PAST RUST

It's rust
It eats me deep down
Into my sinews and bones......

I'm compelled to speak
My words, I can only write down
My lips are weighed down
By these words that fill my heart
I have become pensive
My ears listen to a loud voice
Whose wavelength exceeds the normal frequency

A past
So livid and raw in my mind
Whose traces I wish never to find
I remember the old me
I analyse the new me
I try to compare
But now, my mouth gapes open with awe

Those days when I used to shed tears
Wishing that they could allay my fears
And highlight my anguish
When I stare at God's throne of grace with a great wish;
Lord, just refine me through the flame
I couldn't get anyone to blame
There was no one to blame
The vast difference of my life now
 In comparison to the old life I led
Kills every pride that has ever tried to reach out
To my thoughts....
Just even for a little sympathy

If it hadn't been the Lord on my side
Oh where would I be?

Those answers are so clear now..
I know;
I would have found myself in a pit
Surrounded by my self pity
Wallowing in an anger
That consumes me
Like acid
Decaying the little fragment of bones....left behind
And lifting my hands to the Lord of mercy
To show me mercy

Those nights of failure
Those days of feelings
That led me to believe
I was not qualified
I was nobody
I admit today and now,
Even though there is more to say,
That I had an issue
That coated my beautiful feathers with mud
And...
One that subjected me to sleepless nights
Of feeling I lacked any self-worth
That's a past Life!
I am more glad

Those days.....
How long has it been?
I'm tempted to say not too long ago
A very dreary journey, it was
Those days where I could helplessly say
I didn't have the light God wanted us to shine forth
My daily chorus saw me
Believe in anyone else but myself
But now,
I'm compelled to tell the whole world
About a cowardice
A me, who didn't have any great talent
Who couldn't even speak with great articulacy
Or even argue out a point with efficacy
A me, who was never good in the opinion of others
One who was always Unqualified!
A me, whose image in the eyes of many left
Their retina cry out for mercy
Or probably....
Just maybe
Maybe those where my thoughts
Riding up against any little hope
I had carved about a great Future!
My thoughts used to bully me
And beat me till I was on the verge of losing it all
In those days,
I lost all......
Maybe....

In my quiet corner,
In tears,
I spoke to Him,
Who knows me deep down,
To clarify my foggy life
For my tears had become mist
My tears enjoyed a great deal of drenching my clothes wet
Proud that they had served to their purpose
Oh then..
A thought just crossed my mind
An aorta of truth that nearly dissipated
But for now
Just now,
I have the truth
I have hope
I see a bright future

Today, I'm forced to reflect
Never to let my gaze deflect
On How far I have reached
How dreary a journey I have breached
My doubts are burned away like ashes
My life story no longer has short dashes
Mistakes! Heartache! Confusion!
I have felt those before
Perchance, in my mind, I have
I remember a me, who was ever willing to bend
And break tough steel
Just so someone could be happy
A me, who wasn't moved by
Any form of humiliation
Because I was learning humility
But in effect, I wasn't been wise
I was foolish...
Tattered by my own actions
Yet still believing that eventually....
No matter how eventual....
 I will sail through


I remember the old Me!
A me who was consumed by soo much love and affection
One who believed in many things
That were fairy tales
Those that painted adorable images
Of roses without thorns
Of fragrance without intensity
Those, I learnt on my own...
Now I realise, maybe I have gone a bit overboard
In my show of great affection as before
And I still struggle in hiding my affection, now more than ever
But I assure myself
It's going to get better
I'm inclined to believe
I look at the life of a letter
Written with the finest hands
And whose expressions are a artful
And I forge a great image in my eye.
The old me has come a long way
To stay
So today, I shed off the scales of old
And adorn myself with beautiful petals
I walk steadily like a queen
Focusing on the prize set before me
Pursuing determination
And going for gold...
I am no longer the old Me!